Have you ever, tried to suppress a feeling inside you, making yourself immune to it, perhaps by not thinking about it, disillusioning yourself that that something has not happened, making yourself feel that it is not as grieve as it feels like (actually, you have no idea how bad it feels cuz you are not even thinking about it, or at least trying very hard not to). Then when you accidentally for god-knows-why you decided to peek into that little Pandora's Box and you discovered that you are really just a mere weakling trying desperately to live as a parasite, depending so much on someone.

Ok, I was tryign to be cheem. I know, using cheem words to describe things that I might not even know. If you understood, congrats, either you are the same level as me, hahahahaha, or you just been kheunized (that sounds familiar from somewhere), or I might really have a flair for these sort of things!!! Hahahaha.

On the lighter note, it is the time of the year again, the time when everyone gathered in SG will undoubtedly, eagerly leaving the country. Oh, and also Christmas! I so "missed" my ice-scream scooping job, wait, did i just type -scream? Ya, the awful, I mean jolly job where I listened to repeating carols in the mall. Haha.

When will I ever grow up~ Just like you, sis, ya?

Recently, I have been feeling like this:

It seems like I cannot control myself, I cannot control my thoughts and I just want to cry it over so that I will sleep and wake up and repeat the whole process again. I am so tired.

After a deep discussion with sis and T, I think I am overstressed. At first, I thought I have some mental problem which I planned to consult with a doctor. But I don't like it when doctors brush it off for stress cuz this is an extremely painful experience. I am not sure why up til now, there is nothing wrong with me, but why now!!! Ever since the recess. I mean most of my quizes are over and my brain is just so tensed, I cannot focus on anything. I don't want to eat but I keep feeling like vomiting but there is nothing to come out. But worry not, I am still eating but I don't look forward to eating. Everything is bland.

I start doing totally random thing. Like running away halfway from something cuz I know I am going to cry and I cannot control my tears. I start thinking extremely strange negative things such as nobody wants to be with me, nobody likes me, I am all alone. I mean once in a while people will think like that but after a while they get over it, but these thoughts just keep running behind my mind.

I don't look forward to going back to my room cuz I am so lonely in there. It is a place to cry and sleep. But now that I am starting to tear in public, I have no choice but run back to room. This loneliness is so scary. It makes me feel like I need a person 24/7. And not just any random person, a person who can see me cry if my heartbeat just go crazy and I cannot think, or more like I don't know why, the brain is empty but it is working cuz I can feel the pain that it is working, overworking. I never thought I would ever be so dependant on a person.

Some suggestions to solve this includes finding friends and enjoying with them once in a while, joining some clubs and meditation to control the sudden increased heartbeat rate.

You know about finding friends, after I dine or lunch with them, I am left all alone to go crazy again.

You know how we used to write essays on how we should cope with stress in SPM, it is not that easy. When you are in this situation, I cannot think of any ways. I listened to music which didn't help me block my mind. It just keeps thinking on it own. I cried, and after that feeling of loneliness goes away, for an hour or so, it comes back and I just sit at McD, attempting to use my environment to study so that I won't cry in the public, and I tried controlling so that people can't see me, hiding my face behind my jacket, desperately wiping off any water that comes out of my eyes in a subtle way so that no one will think that I am crazy. I don't want this to bother with my studies. I want to focus and study. I really want to. But my head just goes off by its own.

Each time I talk about it, or I think about my situation, I just can't help crying. The only time I look forward to is sleeping, so that I won't be conscious about my thoughts, but I have nightmares too, only recently. RIght after I wake up, my heartbeat goes super fast, that I wished I never woke up. I am so afraid of waking up in the middle of the night.

I am really tired of this. I hope no one will ever have to experience this. It was worse when I didn't know what is the cause of all this. I just feel like shit everyday. But now, hoping it is stress, I hope I can cope with it with the help of all my beloved friends. You never know, your friends are so important to you.

I don't want any of my family except my sis or friends to worry cuz this is really random, isn't it? I am tired. I don't want to talk about this with anyone cuz they won't understand, I am so tired and talking about it will just make me cry even more. I am really tired of crying everyday.

I am going to ry to find some friends and hang out with them. Hopefully, they won't reject me. Cuz I got rejected thrice just for a dinner cuz everyone is so busy and can cope with their stress level and life, and it is only me who cannot deal with it. In the end, I have to ask someone to just accompany me to eat. Just 15 minutes of their time. And luckily, T came. Luckily... Why do I have to make my life so pathetic. Why...

Not that I am trying to stress my friends to not reject me, but please, offer some short term solutions that are viable while I find a long term solution. It is not just plainly ccompanying me, cuz I feel lonely after the person left. I need more solutions.

Honestly, I never thought this would really happen to my family.

A guy (tenant) had no choice but to lead some robbers all the way from Kepong to my house. Like what are the chances unless if you are damn unlucky. Not to mention that the police took so long to come cuz they need to eat before fasting (Well, they do need energy since it is going to be a long "fruitful" day). [PK does not want to be jailed]

And don't be fooled by those TVB stuff you saw in TV, the part the police tracking the robbers with phone calls, maybe. At least, I think it only works with TVB actors or if you are in Hong Kong. And they took the guy away as hostage and asked for more money.

I hope they won't ever come again cuz now they know how poor my family is but I still cannot let go of the fact that they know my house and how to get in. And what is more, they know the gender proportion in my house cuz the hostage has such great honesty. Well, at least he was not in any better position. He was beaten up quite badly, apparently.

I hope they all die and rot in hell. Or at least break their arms. I hope someone else will break into their houses instead. Like someone said, 'Robbing from robbers is not a crime'.

I am really worried for my family's future safety.

Me!

Everything that can go wrong, went wrong.

Started with H1N1 which ruin every holiday planned. Thanks.

Getting into a so-called-crap course as my major as quoted by someone, right after telling myself that I will work hard in that so-called-crap course and it is not that bad, only to be blown apart by the title crap course when that particular someone said it.

Equating me with a dog. Yes, I am the bi-atch.

Pimple outbreak, like I am a freaking teenager, when I looked so old. And got me worried for a moment for chicken pox, like I am a freaking kid.

Stress at work. Gaining trust is such a difficult thing. Not knowing when you did something wrong is even scarier. Note to self: Stop bitching!

Long hair does not suit me at all. Cuz it is too messy.

I am trying to weigh which is worse. Home vs Hall. Both are hell. The better thing about home is that I get to see sunshine and it is bright and not as hot and I got these people I miss. and I don't have to study. The thing about hall is that I won't be involved in anything at home and I get to watch movies cuz it is so near.